The Journey to Parenthood… Part 1

This was not normal. This hurt… this hurt bad… this was
stay-home-from-school, on-the-couch, highly-medicated pain. This wasn’t Midol
pain, this was go to the doctor pain. So I did… and through a series of doctors
and tests I was told that I had polycystic-ovarian syndrome, PCOS. I’ve since
learned that it’s not uncommon in women now… I know tons of women with the same
issue. But as a 13-year old this was devastating. I was put on birth control
and told that it would help but I’d probably always have a pretty uncomfortable
cycle… and there was nothing to be done about it.

 

Wow… that was unfortunate… but I decided I had to learn to
cope… if this was so common then people had to LIVE with this ridiculous pain…
so there must be some ways to cope. As I started my research, I found the news…

 

“While not impossible, conceiving children will be a
difficult process.”

 

Whoa… that was unexpected. But being 13 or 14… well… that
wasn’t really on my mind anyway… I began to tell myself… Who needs kids anyway?
I definitely don’t want to have kids right now… and maybe not ever. This was my
attitude and coping mechanism… At least not until 2006.

 

You see back in 2006 I was travelling the world with a bunch
of radical world changers and God just started working in my heart. There were
a bajillion little ones who showed up at our gate every morning in Mexico,
ready to play. And they stayed with us the entire day until we finally shooed
them out the gate to go to bed. I kept them all at arms length… After all, I’m
not a kid person. Sure I can play with them and be really good with kids… but
they don’t get in my heart… cause I don’t want kids, remember? And then God
showed up…

 

“Laura, it’s okay for you to choose to not love them. I love
them and I will take care of them. I will send someone to pour out my love on
them. But they will have to wait until the next person comes. Or you could
choose to really love them now.”

 

Talk about broken! Okay God… you are in charge… you are
good… and you’re the one who created this whole idea of “mothering” anyway… Go
for it. And the theme for many, many more months of my Race was “The Mothering
Heart of God.”  I let God begin to
blossom in me His very idea of mothering.

 

Around this same time I just happened to meet this guy named
Corey… and well… you know that story. As our relationship walked through the
ups and downs of my World Race experience, he heard much about the mothering
heart of God. Finally, one day I explained the whole deal. Yup… I’m letting
God move in my heart about mothering, but I may not ever have kids.

 

This was fairly devastating news for Corey… because he had
dreamed of being a father. So did this mean I’m not “the one?” Did this mean
that dream had to die? What did this mean? As Corey walked through this, God
once again showed up. God spoke so clearly… No, no Corey… Laura WILL have a
child. And just so you don’t doubt it… I’m not talking about adopting or
getting a child through any other means. I’m saying Laura will give birth to a
child that belongs to her.

 

Corey didn’t share this news with me immediately… which was
good because I probably couldn’t have heard it anyway. God had more work to do
in me first…

 

That came in India. One night it just got bad… THAT pain was
back… that curl up on the dirt floor and cry pain. My amazing teammates
gathered around me and so did the orphans we were living with. They prayed and
prayed and prayed… and then… there was Casey. Funny… I didn’t really like her
at that point. (she’s one of my besties now!)

 

Casey got down right next to my face and said, “Listen… I
think there was a time you made a vow about not having children. You said
something along the lines of ‘I’ll never have kids’ and that’s just not the
truth. You need to renounce that and accept God’s plan.”

 

I busted. Big ole’ hot mess of Laura all over the Indian
orphanage. She was right. When I found out there was a chance I might not have
kids, I got terrified. I was scared that it would be hard. I was scared it
wouldn’t happen. I was scared how this affected every area of my future. So I
tried to shut that out and defined myself by the one who doesn’t even want to
have kids. I ran from the scary possibilities and decided there were just zero
possibilities or desires. All in the attempt to run away from the fear…

 

So I did. I prayed with Casey. We cleaned house. And I gave
God control of my future family. And slowly the pain eased away… miraculously
or just the normal course of things? Who cares… it got better.

 

But now came the hard part… now I had to walk out a future
where I carried the mothering heart of God inside a body that didn’t seem to
work right…