What Not to Say…
Close friends of mine, Bryan and Olivia, are facing one of the hardest trials of their life. Olivia was diagnosed with severe lupus and since then has experienced the loss of the three children. About 6 months ago, Bryan and Olivia began the process of adoption and on Christmas day they travelled to go meet their new baby girl in the delivery room. They got to be the first to feed, burp, and change her, giving her the first touches of love. They left the hospital with her and stopped to introduce her to family. While there, the adoption agent called – the birthparents changed their minds. Amidst the tears and heartache of this crushing blow, they took their new baby back and let go of their fourth child. It’s a devastating experience I can’t even begin to imagine.
They aren’t the only ones around us with pain right now. There’s the wife facing the decision whether to remain inside a neglectful, abusive marriage to an addict or to tell the husband she loves that he can’t come home. There’s the couple who have swallowed the diagnosis of infertility and become foster-to-adopt parents. They’ve held a newborn baby (who was punched by his mother) for the last few months… becoming the first parents he knows… and are now being told he’ll have to go live with the birthparents family. How do you let him leave a Christ-centered, loving home where he is absolutely desired to a home that will take him if they have to? Then there’s the marriages struggling to stay afloat… the friend in legal disputes… the lack of jobs… it seems we are being surrounded by pain.
What do you do with this? What do you say? How do you react? 
Ironically enough, the movie Dogma reminded me of a very significant truth last night: Bethany is on the train with Bartlby and he asks her “When do you think you lost your faith?” She says, “I remember the exact moment. My mother was trying to counsel me through this ‘thing’ (infertility and divorce) and she said ‘Bethany, God has a plan’.” THAT is the moment she lost her faith.
The truth I remember is this: simple platitudes outside the Holy Spirit do more harm than good, no matter how true they are. When you stare into deep, complicated emotions and respond in simple answers, you kick dirt into the face of pain. My friends don’t need my answers right now…
THEY NEED MY PRESENCE.
The most effective thing I’ve ever experienced is for someone to say, “I don’t have any answers for you… but would you like some company?” That makes a difference… and that gives opportunity for God to speak His words, in His time, when the person can hear. The important thing for me to keep in mind is that it’s not my job to create the answers people need to hear. It’s my job to just be present.
