I need You… Oh I need You…
I’ve wanted to blog all week. I even asked my friend Brett to guest post for me… forgetting that he is on an internet ministry sabbatical. I like posting to this blog often… I LOVE getting your comments… and I love how writing things out creates a settled-ness in my spirit. So every day this week I’ve sat down at my computer and……… Nothing.
This made me realize a stumbling block I have… I can’t write about the “normal”. Whenever there’s something going on… something I’m doing, something God’s doing, some kind of revelation… then I can write. I admire people like Seth Godin who write every day… multiple times a day. I’ve been impacted by people like Seth Barnes whose blog has become a daily devotional site, inspiring people so much that they keep coming back. But alas… I sit down to type and nothing comes out.
So instead this past week I’ve loaded up on America’s Next Top Model. It’s a secret little love I have. I’ve cooked and cleaned and stayed up to the minute on Facebook. I’ve caught up on my Bible reading to prove that it’s okay to watch 5 episodes of ANTM. I even listened to a podcast sermon to be extra spiritual.
… and my spirit died a little more every day.
I’ve known almost since I started loving Jesus that religious activities just don’t mean anything 
by themselves. My best friend Amy and I have had a long running joke that the cure to every problem is to read your Bible and pray more. It’s the trite, “I don’t know what else to say” answer that Christians give: “Oh you’re depressed? Well, how’s your quiet time? Had your full 7 minutes of prayer? Read at least 4 chapters? No? Well that’s the problem!” It’s the pre-qualification for ministry: “Share your faith? Well not until you’ve read the whole Bible…”
Want to know a secret? I’ve actually counseled people to skip their daily Bible reading… GASP! Sometimes you gotta get outside Religion so you can get back to Jesus…
And yet here I was this week, watching my spirit die a little more each day, checking religious activity off my list and medicating with television instead. Praise Jesus all that changed today.
Funny enough, it changed at church. Church can often be another religious activity to check off my list. I’m not gonna lie… many weeks that’s all it is for me. But by God’s grace, this week I was thirsty… STARVING for my Father’s presence. Maybe it was because I knew someone was sharing their testimony about forgiveness… Maybe it was because Corey took Zeke out to the lobby when he got fussy and I didn’t have to pay attention to anything else… Maybe it was just Grace… But my Father showed up this morning and revival happened in my heart.
The funny part? Nothing external created that revival. The testimony was incredible, a brave woman bravely sharing her story in a vulnerable way… but honestly that wasn’t it. The music was great… and I belted out my praise (just ask my friend Patrice… she thought I lost my voice!). The thing that made the biggest difference was this…
I chose.
I chose to anticipate God’s presence. I chose to meet with Him either through the songs or despite them. I chose to acknowledge that what I needed was Him and nothing else. Mostly I chose to stir my own spirit… chose to connect my spirit with the Holy Spirit… chose that whether the people behind me thought I was a weirdo or not I would dance, and raise my hands, and sing my own song, and WORSHIP… not just go through the motions of another church service.
And my spirit is revived! I feel a little like Lazarus taking off the grave clothes. I remember why hanging out with my Father… processing what He’s doing… even just spending time recognizing what He’s doing… and turning off the television… I remember why that’s so much better.
The hard part? I have no idea how to do this on a Wednesday afternoon with a fussy baby… It’s much easier to lay on the couch, nurse him, and watch So You Think You Can Dance. I don’t want to live that way… I’d much rather soak in His presence than numb the hours of the day. We’ll see how that goes this week…
Thanks for sharing, for being real… for not sugar coating. It is a choice, one we have to make and not others for us. Good word for a weekend that I had such great plans for and yet only accomplished a third of that… skipped church, the 7 minutes and 4 chapters to sleep and sleep and sleep some more. Nothing gives rest like being with HIM.
I’ve been searching for the same sort of revival in my heart…in all the busyness this month, I’ve chosen to numb my mind with tv, facebook, etc. instead of opening up his word and reviving my spirit. But, it’s a choice…and when I close this blog out today, I’m going to end my day the best way possible – opening His word and feeding my hungry spirit. Thank you for this beautiful post and for sharing your heart with such honesty. It was exactly what I needed to read today.
Laura, I was one that used to have weekly posts on my blog, both in English and Portuguese, but after my baby was born I can barely post monthly, and people keep coming!
I’m glad this revival happened in your heart so soon. Life with a baby can mess up with everything in a woman’s life, specially the relationship with Jesus. What I try to keep in mind is that, if my relationship with Him is not my top priority, how can I possibly teach my daughter to be a Godly woman?
My plan has been: “I would dance, and raise my hands, and sing my own song, and WORSHIP” at home, doing my house chores, playing with my baby, while she naps… whatever! We don’t have to be in church to worship, and as you said we don’t need the songs. I talk to God every minute of the day, it doesn’t replace the quiet time I’ve been missing, but it keeps me with the feeling that I’m hungry! And whenever I do manage have a quiet time it’s just marvelous! (I have my facebook/games addiction keeping me from a quiet time sometimes too)
Sorry, my comment was way too long. But I’m really glad that you felt the hunger and was able to feed your spirit much earlier that I did after my baby was born! God bless
Good word. It took me a long time and specifically four miserable months as a prayer intern to learn that there is no earning intimacy with the Father–there is simply being intimate with Him NOW, in this present moment. Nothing that I have done or haven’t done in the moments leading up to this one can hinder my intimacy with Him–it all depends upon my acceptance or rejection of His invitation to intimacy NOW–in this present moment. And sometimes I reject it–because I don’t feel worthy, I don’t feel like I deserve it, I feel guilty, I am afraid of what He’s going to say, or I’d simply prefer to do something else. But the truth is, the moment I choose to make myself vulnerable to Him–in all of my weaknesses and failures–the door to intimacy is open. Not because of what I have done, but because of what He has done. Now that’s GRACE. And accepting that devastates my religious pride. The Father’s arms are always open…just as they were for both the returning prodigal and his older brother…but it all hinges on our CHOICE to fall into them.
love it my friend – so wish we could trade places on this front – missing my three blogs a day but lots of good coming from it i guess – forced to live instead of writing about living and there’s been a lot of it… keep at it, you’re doing great!