I really want to write a blog about all of the good things going on right now. All of the cute moments, all of the little victories, all of the things I'm loving... but quite frankly, today has been a bad day. And when things are good, I'm just enjoying motherhood. It's when I'm having bad days that I really NEED to write. One of these good days, I'll take the time... Today I'm just going to ramble.

Yesterday was amazing. Ezekiel was dedicated at The Gathering. The Gathering is... well... it's quite frankly hard to describe. It's church, but that gives you the wrong image. The best description I've been able to come up with is that it's a group of people gathering together to do the stuff of God. So it's less about singing the words on a screen and listening to someone talk... it's more about hearing God and responding all together. And it's awesome...

So last night Corey and I stood between Michael Hindes and Mike Paschall as they prophesied and declared over who Ezekiel is. "Ezekiel" means God will strengthen and Ezekiel was a prophet who called a generation back to their God. Richard means strong power and comes from Richard the Lionheart. So we all together as a community agreed with the prophetic declaration of Ezekiel's name. Paschall also talked about how by us declaring that we will raise Ezekiel under God, this community declared that they will hold us accountable to that declaration. Multiple times God reminded me that this group, this community, will be a safe place where Ezekiel grows up. This will be a family around him, a home. I seriously love these folks...

In the midst of worship God began to speak about the whole Capable thing... As I listened to God say "You are capable" I was finishing that sentence with "and on your own." Last night as we sang God reminded me... once again... that it's not about results with Him. What makes everything okay is that He is THERE. When I set my eyes on His PRESENCE... not His STUFF... things are just okay all of a sudden. Whether we still have fleas (the exterminator just came back out btw...) or Ezekiel keeps crying... My heart is okay. If I focus on God making the fleas go away, my heart stays out of whack whether the fleas stay or not.

I needed that today. Today was just hard. Breastfeeding is not going well. A friend of Corey's mom is a lactation consultant and we are thinking I have a low milk supply. I'm going to call the pediatrician tomorrow to weigh Ezekiel and see if he's gaining okay or not. So today was full of exhaustion and feeding struggles... fussy baby, tired mom, hard day. And yet God's presence remains. I don't know that I felt His presence and can testify to how much better everything was. But Ezekiel and I both survived and he even got fed... so we made it through. And that's something. We'll decide what to do about feeding tomorrow after we see Ezekiel's weight.

2 months ago... while I was still pregnant... I was determined to exclusively breastfeed. I couldn't imagine any reason... outside a medical problem... that you wouldn't do that. I was also determined that I would have a natural childbirth with no pain medication. Seems like most of my plans aren't working out. And it's hard to not declare FAILURE. I did better with the labor and delivery process. I think that our childbirth class, and working through alternatives beforehand helped me feel okay about that.

I opted to not take the breastfeeding class. BAD. IDEA.

So we are once again looking at alternatives and plans. Please no comments about just pressing through... I know already. Right now my focus HAS to be that if my baby is fed, I have not failed. So my amazing husband came home from work, made dinner, and then kept Ezekiel while I took a bath. I soaked in nice hot water and a lot of truth. And my heart is better than it was earlier. I guess that's a victory in itself.