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Still Capable…

I really want to write a blog about all of the good things going on right now. All of the cute moments, all of the little victories, all of the things I’m loving… but quite frankly, today has been a bad day. And when things are good, I’m just enjoying motherhood. It’s when I’m having bad days that I really NEED to write. One of these good days, I’ll take the time… Today I’m just going to ramble.

Yesterday was amazing. Ezekiel was dedicated at The Gathering. The Gathering is… well… it’s quite frankly hard to describe. It’s church, but that gives you the wrong image. The best description I’ve been able to come up with is that it’s a group of people gathering together to do the stuff of God. So it’s less about singing the words on a screen and listening to someone talk… it’s more about hearing God and responding all together. And it’s awesome…

So last night Corey and I stood between Michael Hindes and Mike Paschall as they prophesied and declared over who Ezekiel is. “Ezekiel” means God will strengthen and Ezekiel was a prophet who called a generation back to their God. Richard means strong power and comes from Richard the Lionheart. So we all together as a community agreed with the prophetic declaration of Ezekiel’s name. Paschall also talked about how by us declaring that we will raise Ezekiel under God, this community declared that they will hold us accountable to that declaration. Multiple times God reminded me that this group, this community, will be a safe place where Ezekiel grows up. This will be a family around him, a home. I seriously love these folks…

In the midst of worship God began to speak about the whole Capable thing… As I listened to God say “You are capable” I was finishing that sentence with “and on your own.” Last night as we sang God reminded me… once again… that it’s not about results with Him. What makes everything okay is that He is THERE. When I set my eyes on His PRESENCE… not His STUFF… things are just okay all of a sudden. Whether we still have fleas (the exterminator just came back out btw…) or Ezekiel keeps crying… My heart is okay. If I focus on God making the fleas go away, my heart stays out of whack whether the fleas stay or not.

I needed that today. Today was just hard. Breastfeeding is not going well. A friend of Corey’s mom is a lactation consultant and we are thinking I have a low milk supply. I’m going to call the pediatrician tomorrow to weigh Ezekiel and see if he’s gaining okay or not. So today was full of exhaustion and feeding struggles… fussy baby, tired mom, hard day. And yet God’s presence remains. I don’t know that I felt His presence and can testify to how much better everything was. But Ezekiel and I both survived and he even got fed… so we made it through. And that’s something. We’ll decide what to do about feeding tomorrow after we see Ezekiel’s weight.

2 months ago… while I was still pregnant… I was determined to exclusively breastfeed. I couldn’t imagine any reason… outside a medical problem… that you wouldn’t do that. I was also determined that I would have a natural childbirth with no pain medication. Seems like most of my plans aren’t working out. And it’s hard to not declare FAILURE. I did better with the labor and delivery process. I think that our childbirth class, and working through alternatives beforehand helped me feel okay about that.

I opted to not take the breastfeeding class. BAD. IDEA.

So we are once again looking at alternatives and plans. Please no comments about just pressing through… I know already. Right now my focus HAS to be that if my baby is fed, I have not failed. So my amazing husband came home from work, made dinner, and then kept Ezekiel while I took a bath. I soaked in nice hot water and a lot of truth. And my heart is better than it was earlier. I guess that’s a victory in itself.


  1. Hey Sweetie! My milk supply was a bit low with Noah too. I started drinking “Mother’s Milk Tea” found at GNC or health food stores and I also took a fenugreek supplement. Both helped and I nursed him for a year. I was determined like you to make it work. But then with my second baby I was flowing with milk and honey and she got huge lol I am weening her now that she is a year. Hope this helps a tad. Love ya.

  2. Wow, this was an amazing story! Thank you for sharing.

    set my eyes on His PRESENCE… not His STUFF…..This was great advice I needed to hear! Thank you.

  3. I had an awful time trying to breastfeed Jack, and the day I switched to bottle feeding him formula, was the first “best day” I ever had with him. I wasn’t resenting him anymore. I could finally just enjoy him and enjoy our meal time together.

    It all comes down to managing expectations, doesn’t it? 🙂 We have a vision for how we see ourselves, and motherhood will mess that all up. You’re doing great. Keep writing – it will help you process and grow as a Mom.

  4. I love hearing your heart, your honesty, your dependence on God & His provision… Especially for your baby. You a a good mother… I hear it. It gives me hope… Soak in Him … Instead of “calgon take me away”… May it be… “Jesus wash away the day”… As you soak in Him.
    . Tomorrow is new…

  5. Humm, I really like the vulnerability in this one Laura… one of the best things you’ve written. I’m two steps away you know, so I’ve got very little motherly advice to offer like these other fabulous ladies, but I do know you. I know your heart and how absolutely dedicated you are to giving Ezekiel everything in the world. That makes you a GREAT mom. I love you lots.

  6. “Right now my focus HAS to be that if my baby is fed, I have not failed.” SO true, Laura. You do the best you can and, in the end, if your little one is happy and well fed, you have done exactly what you are supposed to do and you HAVE succeeded. Being a mom is so hard, especially with everything out there telling you what you should or shouldn’t do and what is best for your baby. Remember that what is right for one mom may not be right for you and if you are doing the absolute best you can and your baby is happy – that is what matters. I can tell (even though I haven’t met you) just by reading your heart and your honesty that you ARE a wonderful mom. Remember too that it will get easier, it will get better – those first few months are hard, really hard, but keep on sharing with moms who have been there and remember you are not alone. Even when other moms or friends aren’t there, there is One who is always there and He will see you through this. He knows exactly what you need and He will give you everything you need to be the mom He desires you to be. Hang in there, sweet momma!

  7. Laura, I’m reading your blog and seeing myself here. I don’t remember if I wrote my posts about breastfeeding in English too but my baby had low weight gain too, she’d fuss to feed every 1.5h, I was exhausted!!
    I too was determined to have natural delivery with no pain relief, and I too was determined to BF my baby until she was one… Don’t feel bad if it doesn’t happen according to your plans.
    I honestly regret having given up when she was 3 months, specially now with the amount of food allergies that she’s got.
    If you are determined to breastfeed, DO IT and get the right support for that (lactation consultant sounds really good!). Breastfeeding is a LOT OF COMMITMENT, much more than any breastfeeding classes can prepare you for, but it’s worth it. I had a lot of “home” pressure to give up, since my baby wasn’t putting on weight and my husband became obsessed by her weight since then (she’s gonna be 10 months next week…)

    BUT, if it doesn’t work, don’t feel bad for feeding your baby with formula. I wasted loads of tears when I stopped, but then I found out it wasn’t the end of the world and I wouldn’t stop being as close to my daughter as I was when Breastfeeding.

    Just don’t let your hormones make you fell depressed about something that lots of moms face! 😉

  8. as a momma who took the breastfeeding class. you didn’t miss much. i don’t think it helped at all with my nursing. i’ve never had a low supply issue, but i’ve had latch issues, hold issues etc etc. what i’ve heard from lactation consultants, and i’d love to be one someday, is to just nurse nurse nurse. and remember it doesn’t make you any less of a momma because you have to give a bottle of formula. sometimes we place too much expectations on ourselves…as long as we’re taking care of the babies God has given us…we’re doing our job. regardless of breast milk or formula. keep on keeping on.

  9. hey. you rock. that’s all i got. if i say more i might panic i and throw in a ‘you’ll be okay’ derivative and i don’t want to do that – was tempted to sneak in a “you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans” but not sure that will go down well either [read it in a kirk douglas article funnily enough a few years ago in a readers digest…] but ja you rock and much love to you both and keep writing this stuff and don’t feel pressure for it all to be all happy cos real is all anyone wants and needs…

  10. Have you tried Fenugreek supplements? They are supposed to help stimulate glandular secretions and can help increase milk supply… just a thought, worth trying. Also, massage your breasts to make sure your milk ducts are not getting clogged (I got mastitis TWICE! ICK!) But as others have mentioned, if you decide the best thing is to go to bottle feeding, YOU ARE NOT a failure! Healthy, happy baby and mom are what is needed! There’s absolutely no “perfect” way to “parent” a child. Gavin and I learned very quickly that even though we had “ideologies” about our parenting style, we had to adapt for what worked FOR OUR BABY and what works for us as a family. Praying continued blessings upon you during this season and journey!

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