Anne Lamott is my current hero. I don’t know anything about
her except for one book: Operating Instructions. It’s her journal about her
son’s first year and her struggles as a single parent. It’s good writing, but
there’s one marvelous thing about Anne… She’s HONEST.
her except for one book: Operating Instructions. It’s her journal about her
son’s first year and her struggles as a single parent. It’s good writing, but
there’s one marvelous thing about Anne… She’s HONEST.
I need some honesty right now. I especially need some
honesty from a mother right now. Because while Zeke is beautiful and wonderful
and miraculous and everything I dreamed of and prayed for… this is HARD.
I’ve avoided writing, journaling, even talking for the past
few weeks. I’ve worked on mostly keeping my mouth shut… or focusing on talking
about something other than Zeke. The reason? I’m worried about what I’ll say.
I’m worried that when the next mom bends over his cute little face and asks me
if I’m so in love with him, “No� will pop out of my mouth before I can stop it.
I’m worried that the next time somebody asks if they can hold him I’ll say “You
can keep him� before I forget to pretend I’m reluctant to let him go from my
arms.
few weeks. I’ve worked on mostly keeping my mouth shut… or focusing on talking
about something other than Zeke. The reason? I’m worried about what I’ll say.
I’m worried that when the next mom bends over his cute little face and asks me
if I’m so in love with him, “No� will pop out of my mouth before I can stop it.
I’m worried that the next time somebody asks if they can hold him I’ll say “You
can keep him� before I forget to pretend I’m reluctant to let him go from my
arms.
In all honesty those are real thoughts that swim in my
brain. Mostly at 7am, when I’ve been up for 2 hours, and Zeke is nowhere near
going back to sleep. Of course after I’ve had a nap, he returns to being the
most cute and cuddly little dream I’ve ever had. I don’t know which thoughts
are real. I just know they both exist in my head and neither seems to be
winning the war for dominance just yet.
brain. Mostly at 7am, when I’ve been up for 2 hours, and Zeke is nowhere near
going back to sleep. Of course after I’ve had a nap, he returns to being the
most cute and cuddly little dream I’ve ever had. I don’t know which thoughts
are real. I just know they both exist in my head and neither seems to be
winning the war for dominance just yet.
The good news is that I have a few wonderful people in my
life who have had kids before and they’ve been honest about the hard parts. So…
now that I’ve come out of hiding I’m embracing one motto: This Is Normal. I no
longer believe I’m bad a mom for not wanting to be awake at 3am. I no longer
believe that wanting to hand him to someone else so I can eat my dinner at a
normal human pace is a bad thing. I am just as normal as every other mother of
a 3-week-old baby. The only difference? I want to talk about it.
life who have had kids before and they’ve been honest about the hard parts. So…
now that I’ve come out of hiding I’m embracing one motto: This Is Normal. I no
longer believe I’m bad a mom for not wanting to be awake at 3am. I no longer
believe that wanting to hand him to someone else so I can eat my dinner at a
normal human pace is a bad thing. I am just as normal as every other mother of
a 3-week-old baby. The only difference? I want to talk about it.
I think it’s important for women who are not yet mother’s to
have an honest space created and ready for them before they have children. And
since we live in a community that is mostly just beginning to transition from
singles to newly-marrieds… now is a good time to create that space for future
mothers.
have an honest space created and ready for them before they have children. And
since we live in a community that is mostly just beginning to transition from
singles to newly-marrieds… now is a good time to create that space for future
mothers.
Ladies: it’s the most beautiful, wonderful, supernatural,
awful, torturing, self-killing thing God
ever does. There. I said it.
awful, torturing, self-killing thing God
ever does. There. I said it. Actually… there’s the point: Self-killing. I’ve never
realized just how selfish I was until Zeke arrived. 3 weeks ago I never would
have checked yes to selfishness on the sin quiz. Of course there’s the normal
human amount… but I could definitely point to various acts on a daily basis
that were done for someone else’s benefit. See? Proof I’m not selfish.
realized just how selfish I was until Zeke arrived. 3 weeks ago I never would
have checked yes to selfishness on the sin quiz. Of course there’s the normal
human amount… but I could definitely point to various acts on a daily basis
that were done for someone else’s benefit. See? Proof I’m not selfish.
Until there’s a small creature that demands me and only me
24 hours a day. Then I find out that the selfishness box deserved a giant red
X. And then a whole bunch of thoughts in my head that prove a few more boxes
need checkmarks as well.
24 hours a day. Then I find out that the selfishness box deserved a giant red
X. And then a whole bunch of thoughts in my head that prove a few more boxes
need checkmarks as well.
So now Zeke and I… we’re on a journey. I’m daily asking God
for an unselfish heart, a willingness to love Zeke more than myself… all day
long. And I’m also asking for wisdom about parenting a newborn… and helping
Zeke on his journey as well.
for an unselfish heart, a willingness to love Zeke more than myself… all day
long. And I’m also asking for wisdom about parenting a newborn… and helping
Zeke on his journey as well.
Cause Zeke has a problem too. He’s also selfish. We
sometimes have simultaneous crying sessions because we each want what we want
and somehow those two things are conflicting. And Zeke doesn’t know how to give
up his side and let Mommy have her way just yet. Mentally… and after a nap… I
can tell you that he’s not supposed to know that. But one day he will… and
we’re on a journey to get there.
sometimes have simultaneous crying sessions because we each want what we want
and somehow those two things are conflicting. And Zeke doesn’t know how to give
up his side and let Mommy have her way just yet. Mentally… and after a nap… I
can tell you that he’s not supposed to know that. But one day he will… and
we’re on a journey to get there.
One day Zeke is going to be the little boy at the swimming
pool who doesn’t punch the other kid in the nose for taking his toy… but
willingly shares. Zeke will be the little boy in kindergarten who helps other
kids stand in line to take their turn at the slide… because he knows about
taking turns. Zeke is going to be a man who knows that life-giving community is
where you prefer others and honor them. I know these things about him… I know
these visions of his destiny.
pool who doesn’t punch the other kid in the nose for taking his toy… but
willingly shares. Zeke will be the little boy in kindergarten who helps other
kids stand in line to take their turn at the slide… because he knows about
taking turns. Zeke is going to be a man who knows that life-giving community is
where you prefer others and honor them. I know these things about him… I know
these visions of his destiny.
…and I know it’s gonna be a journey before we get there. But
we will get there… together.
we will get there… together.
Amen. A wonderful lady at church, who is a great mother to four – told me that she hated her kids when they were little. They were whiney and needy and she hated it. And she told me that I could too and still be a good mom.
In the wee hours of the morning, when Jack was weeks old and keeping me up, I found the Duggars on TV. And Mama Duggar helped me get through wanting to walk away from motherhood altogether. I figured if she had done it 18 time at that point, I could do it once.
hi. ummm. i know EXACTLY how you feel. im obsessed with my son but i had no idea how much anger and frustration and confusion i possessed until i became a mom. these kiddos are forming our character like no other. it is so so so so hard and no one understands till you are actually a mom. love you girl. and if i didnt know you id still think you were amazing just by sticking with this mom thing. we made it through labor some how, this parenting thing is just the extended version. oh. and i NEVER believed people when they said it, but it does get easier. i really felt like there was no hope for sanity again. it comes.
Beautiful!
I’m sooooo proud of you!!! You are awesome for being the one who stands up and tells it like it is. I can tell YOU my horrible thoughts and feelings, but I don’t think I could have told the world in a blog. You are my hero!!!
I’m not a Mom yet, but I am already thankful to hear this kind of honesty (and I know it blesses lots of other women who I’m sure are feeling the same way!) Hang in there sweet friend – and thanks for sharing as you’re in the middle of the process with us!
As silver refined —— so is a mother. God will use them (precious cherubs or needy tyrants, depending on the moment) to refine us in ways no other tool will. Pruning —- now there’s a yucky word, but that’s part of it too. You’ll do a terrific job, both of you, just keep everything in perspective. 🙂
I remember I said exactly the same thing to my leader “I didn’t know how selfish I was until my baby was born”.
You’re not alone on your thoughts, it is hard to wake up at night, not being able to do things for yourself, and only those who have been there know it! Event he dad’s don’t really get the picture of how selfless mothers have to be (no matter how good husband and father they are, they don’t understand…)
If you wanna talk, I’m here. Been there, felt like that too!
It will all pass, Laura. Hormones play a big role on tiredness and mad thoughts. This too shall pass and you will enjoy Zeke completly! 🙂
Coming from a newly married women who hopes to one day be a mommy-thank you for the honesty! It’s refreshing and also helps others know how to support you and pray for you.
Laura, one of the qualities I love about u is your openess..
U R right! It IS HARD!!!!
But, and I say this to young moms alot.. it does get easier… really.. it does… Sleep deprivation does a number on anyone!!!
Adam was a colicky baby.. I remember when he or I ,hadnt slept thru the night for over a whole year… I sat on my kitchen table and was holding him while he was crying..I called my friend and said “HELP… I dont want to do this anymore..” she helped me to see that I wasnt being a bad mom if I took care of myself..of course then I also had a 3 and 5 yr old to deal with all day!! wow! I look back and wonder how I got thru all those hard years with 5 babies.. But you just do!! God is good all the time, God is good!!
I love you my precious daughter in law!!! Mom
thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty! i am worried about these same things for when my little guy arrives in october. it makes me sad that more women don’t have a safe place to speak honestly from their hearts. you’re right…it doesn’t make you a bad mom…it makes you human. and we all need to pray that same prayer you are praying multiple times a day. i know i’m going to have to!
Love this Laura! It really does get easier, especially when they are sleeping all night! IT IS WORTH IT! Love you!
love the post. honesty rocks. keep it up cos i’m sure you’re being and will be a super mom. love is tough.
Laura – I’m barely a step ahead of you with my little son Elijah, who is now 4 months old, and I CAN tell you HONESTLY that IT REALLY DOES GET EASIER! I totally completely 100% was in your shoes right after he was born – totally sleep deprived for weeks, but we finally started figuring out a routine and a schedule (we used the Babywise book to help guide us, though we didn’t follow it to a T). Elijah now goes to sleep around 7:30 every night, wakes about twice during the night to nurse, goes right back to sleep and usually wakes up between 6:30 and 7:30 each morning on average. YES! IT CAN HAPPEN! And you will get more regular sleep again one day too!
I know tons of people say “Enjoy them while they’re this small.” Like you, I had moments where I just wanted to punch them in the face; however, I took those words to heart, and even in my sleep-deprived 3 a.m. feedings and no-nap afternoons, I still would try to take a moment to gaze at his tiny fingers and toes and sweet face and etch that into my memory.
You are right – this is a journey! Love you, MISS YOU, proud of you!
Laura – I’m barely a step ahead of you with my little son Elijah, who is now 4 months old, and I CAN tell you HONESTLY that IT REALLY DOES GET EASIER! I totally completely 100% was in your shoes right after he was born – totally sleep deprived for weeks, but we finally started figuring out a routine and a schedule (we used the Babywise book to help guide us, though we didn’t follow it to a T). Elijah now goes to sleep around 7:30 every night, wakes about twice during the night to nurse, goes right back to sleep and usually wakes up between 6:30 and 7:30 each morning on average. YES! IT CAN HAPPEN! And you will get more regular sleep again one day too!
I know tons of people say “Enjoy them while they’re this small.” Like you, I had moments where I just wanted to punch them in the face; however, I took those words to heart, and even in my sleep-deprived 3 a.m. feedings and no-nap afternoons, I still would try to take a moment to gaze at his tiny fingers and toes and sweet face and etch that into my memory.
You are right – this is a journey! Love you, MISS YOU, proud of you!